Reset

Y'all - what a super weird season we are living in.  And there are so many emotions and worries and fears that seem to flood my heart and mind all day long.  I had time to talk to my counselor on Monday and one word she kept using was "reset" and that stuck with me.

Reset (verb) - to set, adjust, or fix in a new or different way

She and her family live in Europe, I was living in East Africa, but am temporarily back in the U.S. but this current pandemic is impacting the ENTIRE world.  She helped me process through the emotions of living a disrupted life right now.  We all are.  All of our schedules and routines have been greatly disrupted and some of us are coping with that better than others.  Some of us have embraced this slowed down, quiet season and others of us are climbing the walls.  Wherever you fall in that spectrum, first let me remind you that it is okay to feel however you feel.  None of us have ever done this before so we are just trying to figure things out one day at a time... one hour at a time.  And I have found that my emotions can change multiple times throughout the day - and that is okay.  

My counselor talked about how the world is being reset right now and it started me thinking about what the Lord wanted to reset in my life right now.  Remember 8,329 days ago when it was January 1st and we all had high hopes for 2020 and goals and plans for being intentional and driven this year - and then March came and hit the pause button on literally every single thing.  I took some time over the weekend to look back at my prayers and goals for this year and reset my focus on some things that I felt the Lord was calling me to be intentional with during this time.  I don't know what that might be for you - maybe it's something new you wanted to start this year, maybe it's a rhythm you wanted to put into place, maybe it's something you wanted to learn more about... whatever it is, maybe the Lord is also calling you to reset your focus or maybe in this season He has brought something else before you that He wants you to press into.  Do it.  Take one step today.  How great would it be if we came out on the other side of this with growth and depth in areas of our lives that need a reset.  

What is something the Lord is calling you to reset right now?

Fix Your Eyes

To fix your eyes on something is to lock your eyes so they cannot be distracted by things in your periphery. Lately I have been reflecting on the story of Jesus walking on the water and later calling Peter to join him. If you are not familiar with this story, check out Matthew 14:22-33. Basically, Jesus sent the disciples on ahead of him in a boat while he finished dismissing the crowds and took a little alone time to pray. During this time, the disciples’ boat was carried off a long way. So in the middle of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the water. Of course they freaked out and thought he was a ghost. Peter told him that if he truly was Jesus, to command him to come to him on the water. Jesus simply said, “Come.”

“So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, ‘Lord, save me.’ “ – Matthew 14:29-30

Immediately Jesus rescues Peter and walks with him back to the boat. When they get into the boat, the wind stops and the disciples can’t help but worship Him as the true Son of God.

In these 11 verses there is so much rich truth that has really stuck with me.

1) Jesus took time to be alone. “He went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.” In the current season I find myself in, I have noticed that I desire more time alone. I am an extrovert, but lately I have wanted more time to be quiet and still before the Lord. Silence and solitude and Sabbath are all things I am learning to put into practice. Those are all things that are hard for me, but they help to replenish my soul, which I desperately need!

2) Peter got out of the boat. I can’t imagine what must have been going through his mind. Was he excited? Was he nervous? Was he afraid? I think I would have been a combination of all of those feelings! But, despite what was going through his head, he got out of the boat. He put his foot down on the surface of the water and in that moment his faith was greater than his fear. Is Jesus calling you to get out of your comfort zone? Is he saying, “Come.”? I think I would have quickly been worried about what other people would think if I fail. What if I look like an idiot when this doesn’t work? But it sounds like Peter didn’t even give time for those thoughts to register. Jesus said, “Come” and he got out of the boat.

3) BUT. The word “but” in a sentence signals that we are about to read the opposite. He was walking on the water! He was walking toward Jesus! And then came the “BUT”. “But, when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, he cried out, ‘Lord, save me.’ “ And just like that, his fear took over his faith. How many times have I done the very same thing? I feel brave. I feel obedient. BUT then circumstances or people make waves around me and instead of locking my eyes on Jesus, I look down. And I begin to sink like a rock. What would have happened if Peter had fixed his eyes on Jesus? How would this story have been different? How many of us made bold steps forward on January 1, but we’ve already started fearing the wind and worrying about the waves just a few weeks later? What is the “wind” swirling around you right now that has caused you to take your eyes off Jesus?

4) When we cry out to Jesus, He saves us immediately - in His time. “Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him…” Now, Peter may have felt like those seconds when he was sinking lasted an eternity, but the Bible says Jesus immediately reached out his hand. There have been many times in my life where I wondered if Jesus would ever bring rescue or restoration. The sinking seemed to last years, not seconds, but one thing I have learned is that He is faithful and I can trust Him even when His timing doesn’t make sense to me. I also see that there have been many times when I have waited way too long to cry out to Jesus. I am trying to create a new rhythm in my life where He is the first one I run to. That is not always my natural tendency, but in His arms is the only place I find the peace, comfort, and clarity that my soul desperately longs for.

So, let's get out of the boat.  And let's fix our eyes on Jesus in the midst of the wind and waves that will surely come.  

Persist

Happy New Year!  I love the beginning of a new year and the hope that brings. It is like opening up to the first blank page of a journal and knowing that there is the opportunity to fill those pages with amazing experiences and lessons. The past few years I have taken some time to reflect on the previous year, while also dreaming about the possibilities in the new year. Last year I chose a verse for the year, but this year I have chosen a word… Persist. The Lord started a lot of work in me over this past year that I want to continue in. 

Persist - continue firmly or obstinately in an opinion or a course of action in spite of difficulty, opposition, or failure

Synonyms: persevere, keep at it, see/follow something through, press on/ahead, be tenacious, be patient, stand one's ground, stay the course, struggle on

What if this year was marked by persistence?  What if this time next year I was full of awe and wonder at all the Lord was able to do in and through me because I chose to continue firmly in spite of difficulty and failure?  What if on the hard days I chose to press on?  What if I chose to be tenacious in every area of my life?  How much more could I grow and see others around me grow if I decided right now in this moment that this year I will persevere?  

Do you have a word for your year?  If so, I'd love to know what it is!  

Seasons Past

I have been reading through a wonderful little book over the past week called Cultivate (Vol. 2) - The Clarity Winter Brings.  The following is one of the writings that spoke so much to my overwhelmed and weary soul in this season.  

Interested in purchasing your own copy?  Click HERE.

Seasons Past - by Jessie Miller 

Do you ever compare the season your heart is in now to the seasons past? Do you find yourself thinking back to a season where you felt more “together” than you do right now? Perhaps there was a time in your life when you felt like the Lord spoke to you more, or at least you listened better. Maybe your quiet time has changed its form, or your role in a community has shifted and it has left you with a feeling of guilt or shame. This guilt says that there was a time when you were able to give the Lord what He wanted, and that is no longer the case. We label ourselves as failures and falsely believe that the Lord agrees. We as humans have a desire to classify everything based on what we “know.” When something new arises, we want to connect it to things we have experienced in some way before. I believe this desire goes back to the Garden. God said, “Do not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil” (Genesis 2:17). He knew it would be too much for us. But we did it anyway, and now we try to classify everything we experience as one or the other—good or evil, success or failure. Our perspective is so small. We can’t see the bigger picture, the “all things working together.” So we filter life experiences based on what feels right or wrong, what worked or what didn’t. We judge based on the little we know. I believe we often distance ourselves from the Lord because we see Him as we see ourselves: a critic, judging our current performance compared to our last season’s performances. When we are succeeding, He is happy and things feel good, and when we are failing, He is not happy, and things feel bad. We bite the fruit of knowledge over and over again instead of eating from the Tree of Life.

I want to encourage you to lay down your need to feel certain you are succeeding as it relates to what felt right in the past. Life with Jesus is all encompassing, and we are moving from glory to glory. Please, lay down the ruler of success that you brought with you from last season. It will not measure correctly in your new one. Success is not a formula with concrete feelings attached to it. Success is trust in the One who knows your story better than you. God does not need you to prove you are becoming better than you were. Growth with Him is life with Him. It is cyclical, not linear. He is growing different parts of you at different times. Growth in the Kingdom is not like height tally marks on a wall. God is not making sure your one mark keeps getting higher. He is not comparing you to your brothers and sisters. He is not crossing His fingers for a growth spurt. He is present, loving you in this very moment. He is tending to the garden of your heart. He is caring for you more than you can comprehend. Lay down the ruler of seasons past. Only He knows what success looks like for you in this season, and I believe it is different than what you think.

Prompt: Pray this prayer: “Father, forgive me for seeing you as the critic of my heart. Forgive me for comparing my past performance with my present. I confess that you are not a God who demands performance from me. Holy Spirit, show me what growth looks like for me right now.”

Forgetfulness

"They forgot what He had done, the wonders he had shown them." - Psalm 78:11

I recently traveled to Egypt, which was an amazing experience!  While I was there I took some time to read back through parts of Exodus, which has always been one of my favorite books of the Bible.  When I stood among the ruins of ages past I was reminded of the story of the Israelites being forced to make bricks for hours each day in the hot sun.  I was surrounded by miles of sand and not a cloud in the sky to provide a break from the sun's intense heat.  I cannot imagine that kind of hard and exhausting labor day after day.

"They made their lives bitter with hard labor in brick and mortar and with all kinds of work in the fields; and in all their hard labor the Egyptians used them ruthlessly." - Exodus 1:14

I was so hot and was just standing still, so I couldn't imagine being there and doing hard work under even worse conditions.  BUT, I was reminded that God saw His chosen people and had compassion on them and sent Moses to set them free.

"The Lord said, 'I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.'” - Exodus 3:7-10

After hundreds of years of slavery, God rescued His people and set them free.  Time after time in Exodus we see God provide and protect His people.  And time after time we see the people fall back into the same patterns of doubt and mistrust.  So much so that at some points they longed to return to the "knowns" of slavery in Egypt than to continue in the "unknowns" of the wilderness.

"In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, 'If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.'” - Exodus 16:2-3

And this kind of whining and complaining didn't happen just once or twice, but again and again.  And instead of giving up and telling the Israelites to figure it out for themselves, God repeatedly provided for the people.  This is such a beautiful reminder of how gracious and faithful God is even when I am not.  

It is so easy to read through Exodus and judge the Israelite people, but I am just like them.  The second things get hard, uncomfortable, discouraging, etc. I begin to complain and I so easily "forget what He has done."  Instead of taking time to sit down and recount His faithfulness and goodness, I clench my fists in frustration and wish for a lesser, but more familiar setting.  

Maybe today you find yourself in a wilderness season.  Maybe you are feeling doubtful, discouraged, and depleted.  Maybe today it all just seems like too much and you are longing for a lesser, but more familiar setting.  Come with me and let's remember together that He is good.  He is faithful.  He is gracious.  

"They forgot what he had done, the wonders he had shown them.
He did miracles in the sight of their ancestors in the land of Egypt, in the region of Zoan.
He divided the sea and led them through; he made the water stand up like a wall.
He guided them with the cloud by day and with light from the fire all night.
He split the rocks in the wilderness and gave them water as abundant as the seas; he brought streams out of a rocky crag and made water flow down like rivers.

But they continued to sin against him, rebelling in the wilderness against the Most High.
They willfully put God to the test by demanding the food they craved.
They spoke against God; they said, “Can God really spread a table in the wilderness?

True, he struck the rock, and water gushed out, streams flowed abundantly, but can he also give us bread?
Can he supply meat for his people?” - Psalm 78:11-20

Where Do You Look for Strength?

Strength (noun) - the quality or state of being physically strong; the capacity to withstand great force or pressure; the emotional or mental qualities necessary in dealing with situations or events that are distressing or difficult.

I don't know about you, but I want to be strong.  I want to be physically strong and push my body to do things that seem too hard to do.  I want to be emotionally strong and able to handle challenges in a healthy way.  I want to be mentally strong and able to learn and retain information easily.  I want to be spiritually strong by being so firmly rooted in Christ that I am not consumed with doubts or worries when hard things come my way.

The problem is that so often I want to do it on my own.  And unfortunately my strength is limited and really not very strong at all.  My strength wavers easily and falls back into weakness and old habits and old ways of thinking on a regular basis.  Which is why the above verse struck me when I read it recently.  It doesn't say, "Be strong in yourself and in the strength of your might."  No, instead it reminds us of where true and lasting and incredible strength comes from - the Lord.  

So, why do I forget this and try to live out of my own strength all. the. time.  Because I am prone to a mindset that focuses on depending on myself, trying harder, digging deeper, etc.  And within weeks or days or sometimes minutes I am right back at the end of my strength and the cycle continues.  But, what if I realized that when I come to the end of myself that is where I need to be reminded that in Christ I have access to strength and might and power that far surpass what I am capable of on my own.  

If you are familiar with Ephesians 6:10, you know it is the beginning of a passage about putting on the full armor of God.  I have spent some time in this passage over the past few weeks and would love to share more of what I'm learning in future posts, but in the meantime I encourage you to go read through Ephesians 6:10 - 20.  

So, what about you?  Where do you look for strength?  How's that workin' for ya?

"Praise Your Name" - Corey Voss

"Praise Your Name" - Corey Voss

Even now, I can see darkness is fading

Walls of fear, brick by brick will come down

Your light will shine, lifting me out of the shadows

Here and now, I know where my breakthrough is found

I'm gonna sing my way out of the valley

I'm gonna shout my way up to the mountain

I will take hold of the truth of Your promise

I'm gonna praise, I'm gonna praise

I'm gonna push through 'til every lie crumbles

I'm gonna dance in the midst of the rain

I'm gonna rest in the arms of the Father

I'm gonna praise, I'm gonna praise Your name

Oh-ohh-ohhh, I'm gonna prai-aise, oh-ohh, oh-ohh

There's a sound, welling up from within me

Heaven's power, calling hope to arise, oh-ohh

So I'm standing tall, here in the strength of Your victory, oh-ohh-ohh

'Cause when You come, every wrong is made right, ohh

I'm gonna sing my way out of the valley

I'm gonna shout my way up to the mountain

I will take hold of the truth of Your promise

I'm gonna praise, I'm gonna praise

I'm gonna push through 'til every lie crumbles

I'm gonna dance in the midst of the rain

I'm gonna rest in the arms of the Father

I'm gonna praise, I'm gonna praise Your name

Oh-ohh-ohhh, I'm gonna prai-aise

Fear and depression

Shame and confusion

You have to bow

You have to bow

All lesser things

That demand my attention

You have to bow

Oh, you have to bow

Fear and depression

Shame and confusion

You have to bow

Oh, you have to bow

And all lesser things

That demand my attention

You have to bow

Yeah, you have to bow

Fear and depression

Shame and confusion

You have to bow

Oh, you have to bow

And all lesser things

That demand my attention

You have to bow

Oh, you have to bow

I'm gonna sing my way out of the valley

I'm gonna shout my way up to the mountain

I will take hold of the truth of Your promise

I'm gonna praise, I'm gonna praise

Oh and I'm gonna push through 'til every lie crumbles

I'm gonna dance in the midst of the rain

I'm gonna rest in the arms of the Father

I'm gonna praise, I'm gonna praise-

Oh I'm gonna sing my way out of the valley

I'm gonna shout my way up to the mountain

I will take hold of the truth of Your promise

I'm gonna praise, I'm gonna praise

Oh I'm gonna push through 'til every lie crumbles

I'm gonna dance in the midst of the rain

I'm gonna rest in the arms of the Father

I'm gonna praise, I'm gonna praise Your name

A Thousand Times I've Failed...

Fail - How does this word make you feel?  For me, it stirs up negative emotions, anxious feelings, and frustration.  Why?  Because I don't want to fail.  I want to be strong.  I want to be able to overcome the things that challenge me.

So what does it mean to fail?  According to merriam-webster.com, fail as a verb means to lose strength; to fall short; to become inadequate; to be unsuccessful; to disappoint the expectations or trust of; to be deficient in...

Under this definition you might see various images of me from last week.  It was literally like everything that could go wrong, did.  Imagine you wake up one morning and you walk into your kitchen to see the counter covered in ants.  You open the drawer only to find evidence that a little furry friend has taken up residence in your kitchen with the ants.  You want to make coffee so you go to pour water in the coffee pot, but there is not a single drop coming from the tap.  You pour bottled water in the coffee maker and go to turn it on only to realize there is (still) no power.  You need to talk to someone about what the problem is with your water, but alas you are surrounded by people who speak a different language and you are not equipped to fully communicate your questions.

What would you do?  How would you respond?

I so wish I could tell you that I handled it all like a super Godly woman and took all of these situations in stride by turning to the Lord in fasting and prayer.

But that is not what happened.  That is far from what happened.

I complained... a lot.  I got really frustrated and stressed and even angry.  And then I gave into bad habits to cope - I watched a lot of episodes of TV shows, I ate brownies and pizza and popcorn and french toast, I quit exercising because I couldn't shower, and then because all of those things just distracted me for a time and didn't really help I finally (and begrudgingly) brought it all to the Lord.  And do you know what?  It helped.  Did it solve all of my problems?  Nope, but it gave me perspective and helped me to realize some things.  Not only had I let all of these things impact me greatly, but I had then spread my bad mood and bad attitude to the people around me.

I failed.

BUT - instead of sinking further into self-pity the Lord reminded me that even when I fail, I am not a failure.  Even when I fail, He remains steadfast and true.  Even when I fail, His mercy remains.  So I got over myself and decided to accept His mercy and try again.  So yesterday, I ate vegetables, I exercised, I studied language, I focused on things I could be thankful for and I had a different attitude.

So dear friend, maybe today you need to be reminded of a few things:

• You will fail, but that doesn't make you a failure.
• You can fail a thousand times, but the Lord's mercy remains forever.
• Today is a new day.  Try again.  Don't give in and don't give up.

Faith Over Fear

If God is in control of every aspect of your world and his grace covers all your sin, why would you ever give way to fear?

There are many things I wish were true about me:
I wish I could say that I’m never afraid, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that worry never interrupts my sleep, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I never wonder what God is doing, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I never give way to envy, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I am always aware that God is near, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I never wonder, “If only ______________,” but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I never dread what’s around the corner, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I always have peace in my heart, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that all that I do is done out of faith and not fear, but I can’t.

You see, I have come to be very aware that although I know the Bible and its doctrine well, the battle between fear and faith still goes on in my heart. Here’s what this means at street level. It is important to understand why fear still lives in the life of a believer in the hallways, kitchens, bedrooms, family rooms, workrooms, and vans of everyday life. You could argue that he or she has every reason to be free of fear, that fear should be an artifact of a former civilization. So why the continued struggle with fear?

Fear lives and rules in the heart of a believer who has forgotten God’s sovereignty and grace. If left to myself, I should be afraid. There are many trials, temptations, dangers, and enemies in this fallen world that are bigger and more powerful than me. I have to deal with many things that are outside my control. But the message of the gospel is that I haven’t been left to myself, that Immanuel is with me in sovereign authority and powerful grace. He rules with perfect wisdom over all the circumstances and locations that would make me afraid. In grace, he blesses me with what I need to face what he has decided to put on my plate. I am never – in anything, anywhere, at any time – by myself. I never arrive on the scene first. I never step into a situation that exists outside his control. I never move beyond the reach of his authority. He is never surprised by where I end up or by what I am facing. He never leaves me to the limited resources of my own wisdom, strength, and righteousness. He never grows weary with protecting and providing for me. He will never abandon me out of frustration. I do not need to be afraid. When you forget God’s sovereignty and his grace, you give room in your heart for fear to do its nasty, debilitating work. Pray right now for grace to remember. Your sovereign Savior loves to hear and answer.

From New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp

Sticks and Stones...

May break my bones, but words will never hurt me. FALSE. For me, words can cut so deep and cause so much hurt. Here are a few recent examples…

“When you get stronger, you should exercise because you are a little fat.”
“You have fat legs.”
“You are big like an elephant.”

Y’all. Wow. I think one layer to this is that it’s hurtful. I am doing a study of James right now and it talks about the power of our words. “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.” – James 3: 9-10. In the incidences above I felt the power of someone’s words. My love language is words of affirmation, so I can definitely feel the power that words have to create or destroy. And I know that I have also used my words in harmful and hurtful ways, but usually mine come more in the form of talking behind someone’s back, venting, or gossiping. So I am guilty of this just as much as the next person.

But another layer is that it’s true. I want to blame or justify or focus on someone being hurtful, but y’all I am overweight. Now – let’s just have a second for the fact that I am NOT the size of an elephant, but that’s not the focus of why I’m actually hurt. Imagine the thing you are most insecure about, most embarrassed by, most frustrated by. Now imagine that someone voices that they notice that thing too. Immediately my confident façade crumbles and I literally fight back tears because it’s okay for me to dislike that part of myself and feel such insecurity about it, but now you’ve pointed out in a negative way that it’s obvious to you as well.

And do you know the really sad thing… there was a time (not long ago at all) that my response to that would have been to medicate those feelings through a milkshake or chips and salsa. But, in these recent incidences that was not how I responded because God is bigger and He is slowly but surely transforming my mind. Do you know what my first response was after I gathered myself and fought back tears – I talked to God about it. And let me tell you – that is rarely my first response to anything, but I want it to be. I took those words to Him and surrendered them to Him. Does it still hurt? Yep. Am I still insecure? Yes. But I am thankful for the refining process and how the Lord continues to reveal more of my own weakness so that I can boast all the more in His strength.

What words have been said to you that caused hurt? Have you talked to God about it? In my case, these were not words from close friends or family so I didn’t feel the need to confront the person, but maybe you do. Maybe there is hurt there for you that could easily turn into a root of bitterness. Don’t let that happen!

Also, let’s all consider how our words can hurt others and be careful and kind with our words.

Disillusioned

I was looking up a definition the other day and when I read the following words, it struck me deeply.

How many times in your life have you been disillusioned by believing that someone or something would complete you, make things easier, make things better, fix you, etc.? I can think of so many examples of this. And man, when that bubble gets burst and we realize that those things or people will never do the thing we wanted, it can be quite painful and jarring.

Like cauliflower, for example. On just about every diet I have tried there has been a promise that mashed cauliflower can replace mashed potatoes or a cauliflower crust can replace a delicious doughy pizza crust. Let me tell you how real the disappointment was when I took that pizza out of the oven and took that first bite and discovered that it was (way) less good than I had believed.

Okay, cauliflower is a silly example, but you get the point. Now, let’s look at this idea of disillusionment on a bigger scale. What is something or someone you sought after that led you to a place of disappointment? For some, it might be a relationship, a job, or a prized possession. I’ve experienced disillusionment in all of those things, but the season of surrender I am currently in the midst of revolves around health, eating, and my perceived image. I have experienced great disappointment on both sides of this topic – making unhealthy choices that I thought would bring comfort or distraction or enjoyment OR making healthy choices that I thought would bring a desired appearance or freedom from a much deeper issue. It has been the epitome of a roller coaster back and forth between the healthy ups and the unhealthy downs. For me, I think the larger issue stems from disordered thinking that I am now trying to unravel and process through. And what I’m realizing is that both sides of this coin have led me to disillusionment because my desired outcome is not rooted in Christ and His Word. Instead, my desired outcome is actually rooted in pride or pleasure. And at the end of the day, those desired outcomes are further rooted in sin. Ouch. So, I’m choosing to get off the roller coaster and dig deep into truth that is not based on my feelings, but on God’s truth, which is firm and secure.

Is there something or someone in your life right now that you have been disillusioned by? Do you need to surrender that person or thing to the Lord? Let’s do it together!

The Grand Delusion

The grand delusion of every act of sin is that we can be disloyal to God and everything will work out in the end. 

     We all do it sometimes and in some ways. In little and not so little moments of disloyalty to God, we work to excuse ourselves and convince ourselves that it will all be okay in the end. In private moments of moral self-conversation, we say:

          “I can handle this; it will be okay.”
          “I’ll only do it this once.”
          “I really didn’t have much of a choice.”
          “It’s not really such a big deal.”
          “Other people do it all the time.”
          “It’s not really clearly forbidden by the Bible.”
          “What else could I do?”
          “I just chose the lesser of two evils.”
          “God is good; he’ll forgive me.”
          “It’s not like I do this all the time.”
          “Doesn’t God want me to be happy?”

     Each statement is designed to relieve the burden of conviction. Each is meant to mask the reality that we have chosen to be disloyal to God, rebellious to his authority, and resistant to his call. Each is meant to cover the true allegiance of our hearts. Each is designed to enable us to feel okay about what God clearly says is not okay. Each is meant to make sin look not so sinful after all. Each is meant to ease our fear that sin really is destructive and that it really does lead to death.

     There are moments when we are all tempted to give in to the delusional logic of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden (see Genesis 3). In the mundane moments of our daily lives, we buy into the fallacy that we can step over God’s loving and wise moral boundaries without consequences. In myriad little moments, we’re morally disloyal to the One who is our wisdom, righteousness, and hope. And what’s important about this is that the character of a life isn’t set in three or four big moments of life, but in ten thousand little, virtually unnoticed moments. These acts of disloyalty expose the war that still rages for the rulership of our hearts and the depth of our ongoing need for rescuing and forgiving grace. Isn’t it good to know that that grace is ours in Christ Jesus?

From New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp

Walls

Walking around these walls

I thought by now they'd fall

But You have never failed me yet

Waiting for change to come

Knowing the battle's won

For You have never failed me yet

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I'm still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet

I've seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

And You never failed me yet

I never will forget

You never failed me yet

I never will forget

"Walking around these walls, I thought by now they'd fall."  Anybody else feel like this?  

• 27 - Number of years I have been walking around these walls and trying to see the struggle with my weight come crumbling down
• 10ish - Number of weight loss programs I have tried.. repeatedly (Weight Watchers, Paleo, Whole Thirty, South Beach, MyFitnessPal, Counting Calories, Sugar Busters, Low Carb, No Carb, High Fiber, etc.)
• 275 - Highest weight I have seen 
• 140 - 177 - Healthy weight for my height

Over the years I have seen those walls start to come down, but then I lose focus/stamina/determination or I experience stress or frustration and resort back to old habits and that wall so quickly gets built back up.  And here we are, back at square one staring up at this giant seemingly indestructible wall and wondering how we got here.  

BUT

I've seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

And so for today I keep putting one foot in front of the other and asking the Lord to continue teaching me and growing me and helping me to untangle my messy relationship with food.  

What wall have you been circling that you thought by now would have come down?  Be reminded today that He has never failed you yet.  He is with you and He is for you!

What I'm Loving

Happy Friday friends!  I love "The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey" podcast and she always ends her interviews by asking people for three things they are loving.  I love getting good recommendations from people on books, music, and tv.  I thought I'd give you a few recommendations for your weekend...

Reading:

Short little devotionals to start or end your day that point you to Jesus.

This book was recommended to me about a year ago and I finally started reading it last month.  Man, it challenges me and I can only read a little chunk at a time because Lou really punches you in the face, but it's so good to see how my tendency to be a people pleaser is at times enabling unhealthy behavior patterns in others.

As you know, I am in a season of surrender with my relationship with food.  This book had some great take-aways and so many things the author said really resonated with me.








Listening:
Like I said earlier, I love "The Happy Hour" and I also love Lisa TerKeurst.  Jamie interviews Lysa and gets to hear her story of healing, redemption, and hope.  Give this interview a listen HERE!








Two of my close friends started a podcast where they interview different people who have had to overcome some difficult things.   I was so blessed to sit down with them and share about my own struggle with depression.  You can listen HERE.









I have been listening to "Hallelujah Here Below" on repeat the past few days.  It is so powerful!  You can listen to it HERE.






What are you loving?  Let me know the things you are reading and listening to that are making you laugh or cry, challenging or encouraging you!

Refining Fire

Many times in the Bible we hear of God using fire, or even appearing as fire to get the attention of his people.  I was reading the other day and came across a passage with the specific image of refining fire.  I am a visual learner so I was struck by the image of gold being refined in a fire and what that process looks like, so I fell into the black hole that is Google and researched this process.  The expected outcome is pure gold, but in order to reach that goal, a tedious and time-consuming process must take place.  Impurities must be removed, which can be done using extremely high heat.  As the liquid heats up, the impurities can be skimmed off the surface. This part of the process may be repeated many times to make sure that all of the impurities are removed.

I feel like I am in a season of refining fire and, friends, I have been here before... many times.  I have asked for God to move in my life and transform my mind, body, and heart, but then the heat gets turned up or I lose my desire to stay in the fire - so I bail.  This has looked different in different areas of weakness, but I long to see the beautiful outcome of staying in the fire and allowing all of my impure thoughts, attitudes, habits, etc. to rise to the surface so the Lord can remove them for good.

I read an article from John Piper titled "He Is Like a Refiner's Fire" which gives even more importance to the symbolic use of a refining fire:

"He is a refiner's fire, and that makes all the difference. A refiner's fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner's fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact. He is like a refiner's fire."

No matter how hot the fire gets, it will not destroy me.  Y'all I am sitting in Panera and trying to hold it together as the weight of that sinks in.  Jesus, I want to be purified.  I want to allow the refining of your fire to consume my heart and my mind.  

Friend, what do you need to submit to the fire?  Maybe you are like me and you've been in that fire before and this feels like the 176th time he is skimming those impurities from the surface, but let's resist the urge to jump out and run back to our old habits and ways of thinking.  Let's stick it out this time.  Let's experience the refining fire together.

Spirit Power vs. Self Power

I don't know about you, but I am weak... on many levels.  Last week in physical therapy, my therapist asked me to stand on one leg.  I giggled and sadly confessed that I can't balance on one foot when I haven't had surgery, much less on a weakened ankle.  Nothing shows you how weak your core is like trying to do anything that requires balance.

I'm also weak when it comes to getting up when my alarm goes off earlier so I can really study my Bible and spend time in prayer before my day begins.  One snooze turns into ten snoozes and me rushing out the door with barely enough time to brush my teeth, much less sit still at the throne of Jesus.

And like I shared last week, I'm weak when it comes to food.  I LOVE Mexican food.  I was getting dinner one night over the weekend with a friend and she asked if I wanted to get Mexican.  I told her "No" because right now I am trying to be conscious of triggers that cause me to overeat and chips and salsa rank at the top of that list.  Even if I said I would only eat a serving - I knew in that moment I was too weak to follow through on that.  So I said "No".  Sometimes we have to say "No" to things we want, that honestly are harmless, but can set us on a path to destruction in our weakened flesh.  And do you know where the ability to say "No" came from?  I wish I could tell you that it came from my own self control and mighty strength, but that'd be a lie.  It came from the power of the Holy Spirit that is living inside me.  Sometimes I listen to His voice and sometimes I don't.  But I'm trying to live in tune with His voice, especially in this area of my life.

"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you." - Romans 8:11

Yesterday we celebrated Easter - the day that Jesus rose from the grave and overcame sin and death for all time. ROSE FROM THE DEAD. Like his body was dead and had been laying silent and still and then he sat up like he'd been taking a long nap and took off his grave clothes and stood on his own two nail pierced feet and WALKED OUT OF THE TOMB by the power of Spirit. Y'all - that's the kind of power I want to tap into. Choosing an apple over a brownie seems pretty small compared with overcoming death. But, I DO have access to that kind of power. I just don't utilize it. I am praying daily right now that the Lord would show me how to know more of the Spirit and how to fully experience his power.

So, what about you?  What area of your life do you need to experience some of that Spirit power in?  What is something that you need to say "No" to right now in order to move in a healthy direction?  It's hard, but dear one, it's so worth it.

What's In Your Blank?

Some days just really stink.  Like those days when you get a ticket on your way to work, your computer won't work right, you spill tomato soup on your white shirt, and get a nasty email to end the day.  On those days I just want to _________ .

What's in your blank?  Drink a bottle of wine, take a 3 hour nap, binge Netflix, go shopping, eat a dozen donuts or maybe scroll through sites on your computer that you know you shouldn't look at, whip out those painkillers from a previous injury,  etc.

What if... that thing in your blank wasn't your first response?  What if something much more life-giving was the first thing you turned to?  Wouldn't that make things better and not just provide an hour or two of distracted enjoyment while the frustration and disappointment of the day still sit by waiting for you to return to reality?  I'd love that too!  It sounds so easy doesn't it?  Pick up my Bible instead of another donut.  Turn on some worship instead of Netflix.  But, Jesus says, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.  The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." - Matthew 26:41.  Jesus spoke this to some of his disciples the night that he would be arrested.  He had gone away to pray and asked that they pray with him, but they gave into their flesh and fell asleep, when what they needed to do was persevere in prayer.  Wow, how many times have I given into my flesh when I should have persevered in prayer?  Too many to count, that's how many.  I have been on a journey to learn more about the Holy Spirit and what it really means to be led by the Spirit.  One thing I'm learning is that it means I become more aware of my flesh and how easily I give into its desires.  And I have to make a choice - give into my flesh or wage war by giving in to the Spirit.  Some days I feel strong enough to wage war and others I give in easily.

So what's in my blank?  At different points in my life it's looked different, but the one consistent thing that I so easily struggle with is food.  Your blank probably looks different, but I bet that a lot of the roots are the same.  My relationship with food is a tangled web - that got knotted, covered in glue, and sprinkled with glitter.  In other words - it's a hot mess and sometimes I just don't want to deal with it because I HATE glitter and it's gonna require patience that I don't have to try to get through the layers of glitter and glue and begin trying to untangle all of those knots.  BUT, I don't have to do it alone, which makes it seem so much more doable.  I realize now that I have the Holy Spirit right there with me, speaking to me, helping me, and strengthening me when I feel weak.  I'll continue to share this journey with you, but for now here I am in the "messy middle" and today I'm choosing to wage war by giving into the Holy Spirit.

So, what's in your blank?  Tell someone.  The more we speak out about our struggles, the less power they have over us.

Welcome!

Welcome to The Messy Middle!  I'm so glad you're here!  I hope you will find honesty, encouragement and community here.  If you are in your own "messy middle" and fighting a battle or just continuing to deal with the same nagging issue you've dealt with forever, you are not alone.  A few weeks ago I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to start this blog - not only for me (as a way to process all that I am learning through my own "messy middle"), but also for you (as a way to encourage others who are in a same season of surrender). 

I'll share more about my specific struggles, but for now... what is "The Messy Middle"?  I recently read "It's Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointment Leaves You Shattered" by Lysa TerKeurst.  She uses the term "messy middle" in her book and explains how she wrote the book in the middle of some hard stuff when she says,

"I knew that I wanted to write the message, but I didn't know how the story was going to unfold or how it would turn out, so I was forced to write from that messy middle place.  But I think it's a gift to the reader because that's where most all of us live.  Most of us don't live with every circumstance in our lives tied up in a neat, nice bow when we're singing "Kumbaya" and just having a praise party over all circumstances.  We've either just been through some really hard stuff or in the middle of hard stuff or we're headed to some hard stuff.  I guess people would say, "Well, that's not very positive."  No, I'm positive.  We've either been through hard stuff, we're in it or we're headed to it."  

For the full article, click HERE.

So, here I am in my own messy middle.  About 3 months ago I had a freak accident when I broke my ankle and had to have surgery.  Since then I have been dealing with recovery, which is slow.  But this time has also provided space for the Lord to deal with some of my junk.  Fun, right?  Lemme tell you, it's been a party.  But, in the midst of my junk, the Lord has reminded me that He is with me, He is for me, and that NOTHING is too hard for Him.

What can you expect?
1) Honesty - I have learned that the more I shed light on the mess, it loses its power to continue controlling me.  I LOVE transparency and rawness in others, especially in this day and age of polished and perfect social media.

2) Encouragement - No one wants to just read about the mess.  We all long to experience peace and freedom from the things that weigh us down.  I'll be sharing encouragement I have received from God's Word, others, music, books, podcasts, etc.

3) Community - I'd love to hear your own messy middle story.  Let's grab coffee or Skype or email and walk this journey alongside each other.

My goal is to have a new blog post by each Wednesday, but there will probably be more than that in these next few weeks.  So make sure, you subscribe to the blog so you can see the latest posts.  You can also follow along on my Instagram page for encouraging posts!