A Thousand Times I've Failed...

Fail - How does this word make you feel?  For me, it stirs up negative emotions, anxious feelings, and frustration.  Why?  Because I don't want to fail.  I want to be strong.  I want to be able to overcome the things that challenge me.

So what does it mean to fail?  According to merriam-webster.com, fail as a verb means to lose strength; to fall short; to become inadequate; to be unsuccessful; to disappoint the expectations or trust of; to be deficient in...

Under this definition you might see various images of me from last week.  It was literally like everything that could go wrong, did.  Imagine you wake up one morning and you walk into your kitchen to see the counter covered in ants.  You open the drawer only to find evidence that a little furry friend has taken up residence in your kitchen with the ants.  You want to make coffee so you go to pour water in the coffee pot, but there is not a single drop coming from the tap.  You pour bottled water in the coffee maker and go to turn it on only to realize there is (still) no power.  You need to talk to someone about what the problem is with your water, but alas you are surrounded by people who speak a different language and you are not equipped to fully communicate your questions.

What would you do?  How would you respond?

I so wish I could tell you that I handled it all like a super Godly woman and took all of these situations in stride by turning to the Lord in fasting and prayer.

But that is not what happened.  That is far from what happened.

I complained... a lot.  I got really frustrated and stressed and even angry.  And then I gave into bad habits to cope - I watched a lot of episodes of TV shows, I ate brownies and pizza and popcorn and french toast, I quit exercising because I couldn't shower, and then because all of those things just distracted me for a time and didn't really help I finally (and begrudgingly) brought it all to the Lord.  And do you know what?  It helped.  Did it solve all of my problems?  Nope, but it gave me perspective and helped me to realize some things.  Not only had I let all of these things impact me greatly, but I had then spread my bad mood and bad attitude to the people around me.

I failed.

BUT - instead of sinking further into self-pity the Lord reminded me that even when I fail, I am not a failure.  Even when I fail, He remains steadfast and true.  Even when I fail, His mercy remains.  So I got over myself and decided to accept His mercy and try again.  So yesterday, I ate vegetables, I exercised, I studied language, I focused on things I could be thankful for and I had a different attitude.

So dear friend, maybe today you need to be reminded of a few things:

• You will fail, but that doesn't make you a failure.
• You can fail a thousand times, but the Lord's mercy remains forever.
• Today is a new day.  Try again.  Don't give in and don't give up.

Faith Over Fear

If God is in control of every aspect of your world and his grace covers all your sin, why would you ever give way to fear?

There are many things I wish were true about me:
I wish I could say that I’m never afraid, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that worry never interrupts my sleep, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I never wonder what God is doing, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I never give way to envy, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I am always aware that God is near, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I never wonder, “If only ______________,” but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I never dread what’s around the corner, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that I always have peace in my heart, but I can’t.
I wish I could say that all that I do is done out of faith and not fear, but I can’t.

You see, I have come to be very aware that although I know the Bible and its doctrine well, the battle between fear and faith still goes on in my heart. Here’s what this means at street level. It is important to understand why fear still lives in the life of a believer in the hallways, kitchens, bedrooms, family rooms, workrooms, and vans of everyday life. You could argue that he or she has every reason to be free of fear, that fear should be an artifact of a former civilization. So why the continued struggle with fear?

Fear lives and rules in the heart of a believer who has forgotten God’s sovereignty and grace. If left to myself, I should be afraid. There are many trials, temptations, dangers, and enemies in this fallen world that are bigger and more powerful than me. I have to deal with many things that are outside my control. But the message of the gospel is that I haven’t been left to myself, that Immanuel is with me in sovereign authority and powerful grace. He rules with perfect wisdom over all the circumstances and locations that would make me afraid. In grace, he blesses me with what I need to face what he has decided to put on my plate. I am never – in anything, anywhere, at any time – by myself. I never arrive on the scene first. I never step into a situation that exists outside his control. I never move beyond the reach of his authority. He is never surprised by where I end up or by what I am facing. He never leaves me to the limited resources of my own wisdom, strength, and righteousness. He never grows weary with protecting and providing for me. He will never abandon me out of frustration. I do not need to be afraid. When you forget God’s sovereignty and his grace, you give room in your heart for fear to do its nasty, debilitating work. Pray right now for grace to remember. Your sovereign Savior loves to hear and answer.

From New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp

Sticks and Stones...

May break my bones, but words will never hurt me. FALSE. For me, words can cut so deep and cause so much hurt. Here are a few recent examples…

“When you get stronger, you should exercise because you are a little fat.”
“You have fat legs.”
“You are big like an elephant.”

Y’all. Wow. I think one layer to this is that it’s hurtful. I am doing a study of James right now and it talks about the power of our words. “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.” – James 3: 9-10. In the incidences above I felt the power of someone’s words. My love language is words of affirmation, so I can definitely feel the power that words have to create or destroy. And I know that I have also used my words in harmful and hurtful ways, but usually mine come more in the form of talking behind someone’s back, venting, or gossiping. So I am guilty of this just as much as the next person.

But another layer is that it’s true. I want to blame or justify or focus on someone being hurtful, but y’all I am overweight. Now – let’s just have a second for the fact that I am NOT the size of an elephant, but that’s not the focus of why I’m actually hurt. Imagine the thing you are most insecure about, most embarrassed by, most frustrated by. Now imagine that someone voices that they notice that thing too. Immediately my confident façade crumbles and I literally fight back tears because it’s okay for me to dislike that part of myself and feel such insecurity about it, but now you’ve pointed out in a negative way that it’s obvious to you as well.

And do you know the really sad thing… there was a time (not long ago at all) that my response to that would have been to medicate those feelings through a milkshake or chips and salsa. But, in these recent incidences that was not how I responded because God is bigger and He is slowly but surely transforming my mind. Do you know what my first response was after I gathered myself and fought back tears – I talked to God about it. And let me tell you – that is rarely my first response to anything, but I want it to be. I took those words to Him and surrendered them to Him. Does it still hurt? Yep. Am I still insecure? Yes. But I am thankful for the refining process and how the Lord continues to reveal more of my own weakness so that I can boast all the more in His strength.

What words have been said to you that caused hurt? Have you talked to God about it? In my case, these were not words from close friends or family so I didn’t feel the need to confront the person, but maybe you do. Maybe there is hurt there for you that could easily turn into a root of bitterness. Don’t let that happen!

Also, let’s all consider how our words can hurt others and be careful and kind with our words.

Disillusioned

I was looking up a definition the other day and when I read the following words, it struck me deeply.

How many times in your life have you been disillusioned by believing that someone or something would complete you, make things easier, make things better, fix you, etc.? I can think of so many examples of this. And man, when that bubble gets burst and we realize that those things or people will never do the thing we wanted, it can be quite painful and jarring.

Like cauliflower, for example. On just about every diet I have tried there has been a promise that mashed cauliflower can replace mashed potatoes or a cauliflower crust can replace a delicious doughy pizza crust. Let me tell you how real the disappointment was when I took that pizza out of the oven and took that first bite and discovered that it was (way) less good than I had believed.

Okay, cauliflower is a silly example, but you get the point. Now, let’s look at this idea of disillusionment on a bigger scale. What is something or someone you sought after that led you to a place of disappointment? For some, it might be a relationship, a job, or a prized possession. I’ve experienced disillusionment in all of those things, but the season of surrender I am currently in the midst of revolves around health, eating, and my perceived image. I have experienced great disappointment on both sides of this topic – making unhealthy choices that I thought would bring comfort or distraction or enjoyment OR making healthy choices that I thought would bring a desired appearance or freedom from a much deeper issue. It has been the epitome of a roller coaster back and forth between the healthy ups and the unhealthy downs. For me, I think the larger issue stems from disordered thinking that I am now trying to unravel and process through. And what I’m realizing is that both sides of this coin have led me to disillusionment because my desired outcome is not rooted in Christ and His Word. Instead, my desired outcome is actually rooted in pride or pleasure. And at the end of the day, those desired outcomes are further rooted in sin. Ouch. So, I’m choosing to get off the roller coaster and dig deep into truth that is not based on my feelings, but on God’s truth, which is firm and secure.

Is there something or someone in your life right now that you have been disillusioned by? Do you need to surrender that person or thing to the Lord? Let’s do it together!

The Grand Delusion

The grand delusion of every act of sin is that we can be disloyal to God and everything will work out in the end. 

     We all do it sometimes and in some ways. In little and not so little moments of disloyalty to God, we work to excuse ourselves and convince ourselves that it will all be okay in the end. In private moments of moral self-conversation, we say:

          “I can handle this; it will be okay.”
          “I’ll only do it this once.”
          “I really didn’t have much of a choice.”
          “It’s not really such a big deal.”
          “Other people do it all the time.”
          “It’s not really clearly forbidden by the Bible.”
          “What else could I do?”
          “I just chose the lesser of two evils.”
          “God is good; he’ll forgive me.”
          “It’s not like I do this all the time.”
          “Doesn’t God want me to be happy?”

     Each statement is designed to relieve the burden of conviction. Each is meant to mask the reality that we have chosen to be disloyal to God, rebellious to his authority, and resistant to his call. Each is meant to cover the true allegiance of our hearts. Each is designed to enable us to feel okay about what God clearly says is not okay. Each is meant to make sin look not so sinful after all. Each is meant to ease our fear that sin really is destructive and that it really does lead to death.

     There are moments when we are all tempted to give in to the delusional logic of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden (see Genesis 3). In the mundane moments of our daily lives, we buy into the fallacy that we can step over God’s loving and wise moral boundaries without consequences. In myriad little moments, we’re morally disloyal to the One who is our wisdom, righteousness, and hope. And what’s important about this is that the character of a life isn’t set in three or four big moments of life, but in ten thousand little, virtually unnoticed moments. These acts of disloyalty expose the war that still rages for the rulership of our hearts and the depth of our ongoing need for rescuing and forgiving grace. Isn’t it good to know that that grace is ours in Christ Jesus?

From New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp

Walls

Walking around these walls

I thought by now they'd fall

But You have never failed me yet

Waiting for change to come

Knowing the battle's won

For You have never failed me yet

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I'm still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet

I've seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

And You never failed me yet

I never will forget

You never failed me yet

I never will forget

"Walking around these walls, I thought by now they'd fall."  Anybody else feel like this?  

• 27 - Number of years I have been walking around these walls and trying to see the struggle with my weight come crumbling down
• 10ish - Number of weight loss programs I have tried.. repeatedly (Weight Watchers, Paleo, Whole Thirty, South Beach, MyFitnessPal, Counting Calories, Sugar Busters, Low Carb, No Carb, High Fiber, etc.)
• 275 - Highest weight I have seen 
• 140 - 177 - Healthy weight for my height

Over the years I have seen those walls start to come down, but then I lose focus/stamina/determination or I experience stress or frustration and resort back to old habits and that wall so quickly gets built back up.  And here we are, back at square one staring up at this giant seemingly indestructible wall and wondering how we got here.  

BUT

I've seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

And so for today I keep putting one foot in front of the other and asking the Lord to continue teaching me and growing me and helping me to untangle my messy relationship with food.  

What wall have you been circling that you thought by now would have come down?  Be reminded today that He has never failed you yet.  He is with you and He is for you!

What I'm Loving

Happy Friday friends!  I love "The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey" podcast and she always ends her interviews by asking people for three things they are loving.  I love getting good recommendations from people on books, music, and tv.  I thought I'd give you a few recommendations for your weekend...

Reading:

Short little devotionals to start or end your day that point you to Jesus.

This book was recommended to me about a year ago and I finally started reading it last month.  Man, it challenges me and I can only read a little chunk at a time because Lou really punches you in the face, but it's so good to see how my tendency to be a people pleaser is at times enabling unhealthy behavior patterns in others.

As you know, I am in a season of surrender with my relationship with food.  This book had some great take-aways and so many things the author said really resonated with me.








Listening:
Like I said earlier, I love "The Happy Hour" and I also love Lisa TerKeurst.  Jamie interviews Lysa and gets to hear her story of healing, redemption, and hope.  Give this interview a listen HERE!








Two of my close friends started a podcast where they interview different people who have had to overcome some difficult things.   I was so blessed to sit down with them and share about my own struggle with depression.  You can listen HERE.









I have been listening to "Hallelujah Here Below" on repeat the past few days.  It is so powerful!  You can listen to it HERE.






What are you loving?  Let me know the things you are reading and listening to that are making you laugh or cry, challenging or encouraging you!