Disillusioned

I was looking up a definition the other day and when I read the following words, it struck me deeply.

How many times in your life have you been disillusioned by believing that someone or something would complete you, make things easier, make things better, fix you, etc.? I can think of so many examples of this. And man, when that bubble gets burst and we realize that those things or people will never do the thing we wanted, it can be quite painful and jarring.

Like cauliflower, for example. On just about every diet I have tried there has been a promise that mashed cauliflower can replace mashed potatoes or a cauliflower crust can replace a delicious doughy pizza crust. Let me tell you how real the disappointment was when I took that pizza out of the oven and took that first bite and discovered that it was (way) less good than I had believed.

Okay, cauliflower is a silly example, but you get the point. Now, let’s look at this idea of disillusionment on a bigger scale. What is something or someone you sought after that led you to a place of disappointment? For some, it might be a relationship, a job, or a prized possession. I’ve experienced disillusionment in all of those things, but the season of surrender I am currently in the midst of revolves around health, eating, and my perceived image. I have experienced great disappointment on both sides of this topic – making unhealthy choices that I thought would bring comfort or distraction or enjoyment OR making healthy choices that I thought would bring a desired appearance or freedom from a much deeper issue. It has been the epitome of a roller coaster back and forth between the healthy ups and the unhealthy downs. For me, I think the larger issue stems from disordered thinking that I am now trying to unravel and process through. And what I’m realizing is that both sides of this coin have led me to disillusionment because my desired outcome is not rooted in Christ and His Word. Instead, my desired outcome is actually rooted in pride or pleasure. And at the end of the day, those desired outcomes are further rooted in sin. Ouch. So, I’m choosing to get off the roller coaster and dig deep into truth that is not based on my feelings, but on God’s truth, which is firm and secure.

Is there something or someone in your life right now that you have been disillusioned by? Do you need to surrender that person or thing to the Lord? Let’s do it together!

The Grand Delusion

The grand delusion of every act of sin is that we can be disloyal to God and everything will work out in the end. 

     We all do it sometimes and in some ways. In little and not so little moments of disloyalty to God, we work to excuse ourselves and convince ourselves that it will all be okay in the end. In private moments of moral self-conversation, we say:

          “I can handle this; it will be okay.”
          “I’ll only do it this once.”
          “I really didn’t have much of a choice.”
          “It’s not really such a big deal.”
          “Other people do it all the time.”
          “It’s not really clearly forbidden by the Bible.”
          “What else could I do?”
          “I just chose the lesser of two evils.”
          “God is good; he’ll forgive me.”
          “It’s not like I do this all the time.”
          “Doesn’t God want me to be happy?”

     Each statement is designed to relieve the burden of conviction. Each is meant to mask the reality that we have chosen to be disloyal to God, rebellious to his authority, and resistant to his call. Each is meant to cover the true allegiance of our hearts. Each is designed to enable us to feel okay about what God clearly says is not okay. Each is meant to make sin look not so sinful after all. Each is meant to ease our fear that sin really is destructive and that it really does lead to death.

     There are moments when we are all tempted to give in to the delusional logic of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden (see Genesis 3). In the mundane moments of our daily lives, we buy into the fallacy that we can step over God’s loving and wise moral boundaries without consequences. In myriad little moments, we’re morally disloyal to the One who is our wisdom, righteousness, and hope. And what’s important about this is that the character of a life isn’t set in three or four big moments of life, but in ten thousand little, virtually unnoticed moments. These acts of disloyalty expose the war that still rages for the rulership of our hearts and the depth of our ongoing need for rescuing and forgiving grace. Isn’t it good to know that that grace is ours in Christ Jesus?

From New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp

Walls

Walking around these walls

I thought by now they'd fall

But You have never failed me yet

Waiting for change to come

Knowing the battle's won

For You have never failed me yet

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I'm still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet

I've seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

And You never failed me yet

I never will forget

You never failed me yet

I never will forget

"Walking around these walls, I thought by now they'd fall."  Anybody else feel like this?  

• 27 - Number of years I have been walking around these walls and trying to see the struggle with my weight come crumbling down
• 10ish - Number of weight loss programs I have tried.. repeatedly (Weight Watchers, Paleo, Whole Thirty, South Beach, MyFitnessPal, Counting Calories, Sugar Busters, Low Carb, No Carb, High Fiber, etc.)
• 275 - Highest weight I have seen 
• 140 - 177 - Healthy weight for my height

Over the years I have seen those walls start to come down, but then I lose focus/stamina/determination or I experience stress or frustration and resort back to old habits and that wall so quickly gets built back up.  And here we are, back at square one staring up at this giant seemingly indestructible wall and wondering how we got here.  

BUT

I've seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

And so for today I keep putting one foot in front of the other and asking the Lord to continue teaching me and growing me and helping me to untangle my messy relationship with food.  

What wall have you been circling that you thought by now would have come down?  Be reminded today that He has never failed you yet.  He is with you and He is for you!

What I'm Loving

Happy Friday friends!  I love "The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey" podcast and she always ends her interviews by asking people for three things they are loving.  I love getting good recommendations from people on books, music, and tv.  I thought I'd give you a few recommendations for your weekend...

Reading:

Short little devotionals to start or end your day that point you to Jesus.

This book was recommended to me about a year ago and I finally started reading it last month.  Man, it challenges me and I can only read a little chunk at a time because Lou really punches you in the face, but it's so good to see how my tendency to be a people pleaser is at times enabling unhealthy behavior patterns in others.

As you know, I am in a season of surrender with my relationship with food.  This book had some great take-aways and so many things the author said really resonated with me.








Listening:
Like I said earlier, I love "The Happy Hour" and I also love Lisa TerKeurst.  Jamie interviews Lysa and gets to hear her story of healing, redemption, and hope.  Give this interview a listen HERE!








Two of my close friends started a podcast where they interview different people who have had to overcome some difficult things.   I was so blessed to sit down with them and share about my own struggle with depression.  You can listen HERE.









I have been listening to "Hallelujah Here Below" on repeat the past few days.  It is so powerful!  You can listen to it HERE.






What are you loving?  Let me know the things you are reading and listening to that are making you laugh or cry, challenging or encouraging you!

Refining Fire

Many times in the Bible we hear of God using fire, or even appearing as fire to get the attention of his people.  I was reading the other day and came across a passage with the specific image of refining fire.  I am a visual learner so I was struck by the image of gold being refined in a fire and what that process looks like, so I fell into the black hole that is Google and researched this process.  The expected outcome is pure gold, but in order to reach that goal, a tedious and time-consuming process must take place.  Impurities must be removed, which can be done using extremely high heat.  As the liquid heats up, the impurities can be skimmed off the surface. This part of the process may be repeated many times to make sure that all of the impurities are removed.

I feel like I am in a season of refining fire and, friends, I have been here before... many times.  I have asked for God to move in my life and transform my mind, body, and heart, but then the heat gets turned up or I lose my desire to stay in the fire - so I bail.  This has looked different in different areas of weakness, but I long to see the beautiful outcome of staying in the fire and allowing all of my impure thoughts, attitudes, habits, etc. to rise to the surface so the Lord can remove them for good.

I read an article from John Piper titled "He Is Like a Refiner's Fire" which gives even more importance to the symbolic use of a refining fire:

"He is a refiner's fire, and that makes all the difference. A refiner's fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner's fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact. He is like a refiner's fire."

No matter how hot the fire gets, it will not destroy me.  Y'all I am sitting in Panera and trying to hold it together as the weight of that sinks in.  Jesus, I want to be purified.  I want to allow the refining of your fire to consume my heart and my mind.  

Friend, what do you need to submit to the fire?  Maybe you are like me and you've been in that fire before and this feels like the 176th time he is skimming those impurities from the surface, but let's resist the urge to jump out and run back to our old habits and ways of thinking.  Let's stick it out this time.  Let's experience the refining fire together.

Spirit Power vs. Self Power

I don't know about you, but I am weak... on many levels.  Last week in physical therapy, my therapist asked me to stand on one leg.  I giggled and sadly confessed that I can't balance on one foot when I haven't had surgery, much less on a weakened ankle.  Nothing shows you how weak your core is like trying to do anything that requires balance.

I'm also weak when it comes to getting up when my alarm goes off earlier so I can really study my Bible and spend time in prayer before my day begins.  One snooze turns into ten snoozes and me rushing out the door with barely enough time to brush my teeth, much less sit still at the throne of Jesus.

And like I shared last week, I'm weak when it comes to food.  I LOVE Mexican food.  I was getting dinner one night over the weekend with a friend and she asked if I wanted to get Mexican.  I told her "No" because right now I am trying to be conscious of triggers that cause me to overeat and chips and salsa rank at the top of that list.  Even if I said I would only eat a serving - I knew in that moment I was too weak to follow through on that.  So I said "No".  Sometimes we have to say "No" to things we want, that honestly are harmless, but can set us on a path to destruction in our weakened flesh.  And do you know where the ability to say "No" came from?  I wish I could tell you that it came from my own self control and mighty strength, but that'd be a lie.  It came from the power of the Holy Spirit that is living inside me.  Sometimes I listen to His voice and sometimes I don't.  But I'm trying to live in tune with His voice, especially in this area of my life.

"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you." - Romans 8:11

Yesterday we celebrated Easter - the day that Jesus rose from the grave and overcame sin and death for all time. ROSE FROM THE DEAD. Like his body was dead and had been laying silent and still and then he sat up like he'd been taking a long nap and took off his grave clothes and stood on his own two nail pierced feet and WALKED OUT OF THE TOMB by the power of Spirit. Y'all - that's the kind of power I want to tap into. Choosing an apple over a brownie seems pretty small compared with overcoming death. But, I DO have access to that kind of power. I just don't utilize it. I am praying daily right now that the Lord would show me how to know more of the Spirit and how to fully experience his power.

So, what about you?  What area of your life do you need to experience some of that Spirit power in?  What is something that you need to say "No" to right now in order to move in a healthy direction?  It's hard, but dear one, it's so worth it.

What's In Your Blank?

Some days just really stink.  Like those days when you get a ticket on your way to work, your computer won't work right, you spill tomato soup on your white shirt, and get a nasty email to end the day.  On those days I just want to _________ .

What's in your blank?  Drink a bottle of wine, take a 3 hour nap, binge Netflix, go shopping, eat a dozen donuts or maybe scroll through sites on your computer that you know you shouldn't look at, whip out those painkillers from a previous injury,  etc.

What if... that thing in your blank wasn't your first response?  What if something much more life-giving was the first thing you turned to?  Wouldn't that make things better and not just provide an hour or two of distracted enjoyment while the frustration and disappointment of the day still sit by waiting for you to return to reality?  I'd love that too!  It sounds so easy doesn't it?  Pick up my Bible instead of another donut.  Turn on some worship instead of Netflix.  But, Jesus says, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.  The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." - Matthew 26:41.  Jesus spoke this to some of his disciples the night that he would be arrested.  He had gone away to pray and asked that they pray with him, but they gave into their flesh and fell asleep, when what they needed to do was persevere in prayer.  Wow, how many times have I given into my flesh when I should have persevered in prayer?  Too many to count, that's how many.  I have been on a journey to learn more about the Holy Spirit and what it really means to be led by the Spirit.  One thing I'm learning is that it means I become more aware of my flesh and how easily I give into its desires.  And I have to make a choice - give into my flesh or wage war by giving in to the Spirit.  Some days I feel strong enough to wage war and others I give in easily.

So what's in my blank?  At different points in my life it's looked different, but the one consistent thing that I so easily struggle with is food.  Your blank probably looks different, but I bet that a lot of the roots are the same.  My relationship with food is a tangled web - that got knotted, covered in glue, and sprinkled with glitter.  In other words - it's a hot mess and sometimes I just don't want to deal with it because I HATE glitter and it's gonna require patience that I don't have to try to get through the layers of glitter and glue and begin trying to untangle all of those knots.  BUT, I don't have to do it alone, which makes it seem so much more doable.  I realize now that I have the Holy Spirit right there with me, speaking to me, helping me, and strengthening me when I feel weak.  I'll continue to share this journey with you, but for now here I am in the "messy middle" and today I'm choosing to wage war by giving into the Holy Spirit.

So, what's in your blank?  Tell someone.  The more we speak out about our struggles, the less power they have over us.